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I know you people are crazy. I can spot my own kind a mile away.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
I had your cake and ate it too.
If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you. Knees to Chest, bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!!
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode
I always write `wake up` on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day