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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Has anyone seen where I put my organizational skills?
don`t kiss the monitor, just ask me nicely..
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.