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Spread happiness by smiling at a stranger today...or flash them your boobs. Strangers love boobs!
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
Life is too short to be kissing the wrong a$$.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Over the weekend I pulled a muscle getting off the couch to fetch more Doritos.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
Iām Not Arguing. Iām Simply Explaining Why Iām Right.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
My Facebook account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.