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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Dear automatic flushing toilet. I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I wasn`t quite finished...
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Laugh now because when I die, I`m coming back to haunt you.
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I love the gym this time of year. The newbies make me look like a Victoria Secret model.
COCKADOODLEDOOOOOO!!!!
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone