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A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I have never walked toward the exit of a supermarket without nervously wondering if I`ve stolen something.
I mean if men are better at math why do they get the lenght wrong all the time.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
It`s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V "Tuesday"