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I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Make librarians cry by calling it a Book Museum while taking pictures with your iPad.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?