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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
The United States is probably the only country in the world where people need energy drinks to sit in front of a computer all day.
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It`s a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here