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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
If you drink enough, your brain starts photo-shopping people.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
I like to start my morning off with a good nap.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I wish I had the balls to be a juggler.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
One day id like to have a brand new Iphone like the lady in front of me with the food stamps.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling