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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
The problem with the rest of the world is that they are always 5 drinks behind.
It`s all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it`s the scientists that aren`t washing their hands?
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Silence is Golden, unless you`re married.. Then Silence is Suspicious.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I wouldn`t mind all the penis enlargement emails if they weren`t coming from my wife.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
thinks it`ll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!