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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
I hide my vodka in orange juice
Can we just stop with the pre-sliced cheese? Is anyone so busy that they don’t have time to cut the cheese?
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Shoot for the moon, and even if you miss, you and your motivational crap is far away
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole