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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I`ve been told. Twice now.
My friend named her female dog Karma... Karmas a bitch.
If I had a dollar for every girl that told me I was unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
"i wasn`t that drunk"..Dude!you tied me to a chair and bitch-slapped me,yelling "where`s Harry Potter!!"
The olympics is the only time when you hear "Great execution by North Korea" and it seems okay.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
I prefer my kale with a silent "K"
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.
My dad says that if I don`t stop typing so loudly, he`s gonna slam my face into the fidbdiUHy6hivIifHfGK
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.