Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
FITNESS TIP: Set a regular gym schedule that`s easy to keep up with. For example, I work out once every 4 years after I vote for president.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
I’m drinking like there’s snow tomorrow.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Sometimes not being in control is the most awesome feeling in the world.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
A man asks a trainer in a gym - "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?" Trainer replies - "use the ATM"
roses are red.... my name is dave...this poem makes no sense.... microwave...