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Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
There`s this cool trick I do where I post whatever the f*ck I want becasue this is my account, not yours.
I spend 800% of my life exaggerating.
Everyone`s self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse.
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.