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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Music is best when it’s louder than I can think.
When you`re out & your cell battery is low: 1) lower screen brightness 2) turn off WiFi 3) crawl under table 4) weep softly til help arrives
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Sometimes, if you believe in something hard enough and deeply enough, nothing happens.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
I`d publish my autobiography but it`s just a bunch of liquor stained pages filled with doodles, and rants about stupid people.
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.