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How to find the perfect husband: Play monopoly with him. if he chooses the iron, he`s the one
Have you ever seen the look on a mans face when he is truly sorry? Yeah, me either!
It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.