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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
No matter how busy a guy is, he can always take out a moment from his busy life to just stop and stare at a beautiful girl.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I’m a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
The only idea worse than New Coke was brown toilet paper...
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
I`m only materialistic when I shop at the liquor store.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"