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You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks what you like to do for fun.
I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
It was awkward when she said, "And yet your feet are so big."
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Something I never said as a kid: My book stopped working.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he`ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
It doesn`t take much to make a woman happy, but it takes even less to make her mad.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective