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Still waiting for a Discovery Channel "How It`s Made" episode on babies.
Whoever is in charge of making sure I don´t do dumb stuff is fired.
The only dates I get are updates.
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
So I`m giving up drinking. Hard liquor. On Wednesdays. In June. Next year. (Maybe.)
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be "doesn`t know how to follow directions."
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
why would anyone want a baby? It`s just another thing you have to clean
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.