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A jealous woman does better research than the FBI
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
My business card is just a picture of me looking inside the fridge.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.