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I do not have commitment issues... I`ve been buying the same brand of vodka for 8 years!
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
Who else`s favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I was standing in front of the mirror eariler, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
I have no time or patience for games in my relationships. Unless by “games” you’re referring to naked Twister. I can make time for that.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.