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OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental issues
Dear Social Media, thanks for showing me that I can like people. So long as I don`t have to see, touch, or smell them.
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.