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I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Oh honey, you`re not pretty enough to be that stupid
Remember when teachers asked to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My boss has yet to be impressed with this skill.
According to WebMD I have déjà vu... but not only that, I also have déjà vu according to WebMD.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.