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My entire life is a “you had to be there” moment.
The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
The worst part about being alone is I don`t have anyone to get me a beer from the fridge.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
What do you mean my bathrobe is inappropriate? Isn`t it casual Friday?!
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?