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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Apparently, when asked by a Traffic Cop "Where you going in such a hurry?", "To your sister`s house!" is not considered respectful to a law enforcement official......
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
Gym update: not there
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
Siri, where are my pants?
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
I can think of other ways to eat fresh, but I`ll settle for this subway sandwich.