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I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
My wife complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Why do people ask "What the hell were you thinking?" Obviously I was thinking I was going to get away with it and not get caught.
I think I`m the drunkest person at this bed bath and beyond.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers