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There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
I used to care ... but I take a pill for that now.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.