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Today is different because after you lie to someone, you tell them you were lying.
Driving with your gas tank door open is the equivalent to having your zipper down.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
FACT: Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you’re brave enough.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside