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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
Nothing ruins hump day like not getting humped.
All these people are talking about finding Jesus, finding love, finding themselves... I`m like I found 63 cents and four Fritos in the couch!
Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, what the heck are you doing?
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards