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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
When you realize that your car matches the one in the Amber Alert.
"Have you been drinking . sir?" asks the policeman. "Go Pikachu! Thunderbolt!" "Sir, did you just throw a hamster at my head?"
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Guys, if you buy ANY woman clothing, & you don’t get her a size S with a gift receipt, you’re an a$$hole.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
It`s okay I`ll text myself back.
Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.