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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
When I was kid, I... No wait, I still do that.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
I feel like I am losing my mind !!! But as long as I can keep the bit that tells me when to pee, I should be OK !!
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”
I may have no one rocking my world right now, but I have no one ruining it either!
Organized people are just too lazy to look for things.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!