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To say I wasted today would be a huge insult to the producers of the 3 movies I watched.
My bank account is more like a countdown to my homelessness
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
Ya know once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it´s hard to get it back in.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults - $9.00, Under 12 - $ 6.00, Under 3 - $249.00
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Left the toilet seat up. Wife screaming in 5, 4, 3, 2...
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
All these years and I still don`t understand why they didn`t put Kevin Bacon in Grease.