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My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
Don`t put off until tomorrow what you can avoid the rest of your life.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.
Remember, life isn`t about accumulating stuff. It`s about making people insanely jealous of your stuff.