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My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
Hump Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I built that beach a sandcastle. Beaches love sandcastles.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
LIKE if you talk to yourself and laugh because you’re just that hilarious.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.