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Apparently getting injured while in the KISS Army doesn`t make you eligible for V.A. benefits.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
You better not pout, you better not cry, you better not shout I`m telling you why...we have our own problems and nobody cares about yours.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
How do you spot a blind man at a nude beach? It`s not hard.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
I think some people just log into Facebook just to send me game requests.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.