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Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
Is it just me, or that sea witch Ursula from the Little Mermaid inspired from a full blown flamboyant drag queen?
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
when I`m quiet, strangers look at me and think I`m shy. People who know me think: OMG! he`s thinking! EVERYBODY RUN!
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. The stables have turned.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.