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I have short term memory. I also like to fish. Also, I have short term memory.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
When I was your age we had to open all doors by ourselves ... None of them knew we were coming.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!