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I`m sorry I got salsa on your baby, and I`m extra sorry I scraped it off with a chip
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
Been coughing all night & day, can`t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.