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Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Is it just me, or does this gravy I made taste like scotch? Anyway, best Thanksgiving EVER!
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
I wish I could commute by roller coaster.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
I noticed you’re not yourself today. I really like it.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.