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If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
If you have a dog grooming business and it’s not called “Doggie Style” then something is wrong with you.
I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That`s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
People who describe things as “better than sex” are having the wrong kind of sex.
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Is professional lollygagger an actual job yet?
I took a 5hr energy today. they`re right about being able to multitask because it made me puke and poop at the sametime..