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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
I hope I never have to run for my life. It wouldn’t end well.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
There`s no time like the present to make a positive change in your life ... or to take a nice nap
Having a bit of a lazy day! I`m sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online ... My boss doesn`t look amused.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Serving size ?? LMAO
Word of the day is bishop: My aunt fell down the stairs and I had to pick the bishop.
When we were kids, we didn`t have Pokemon Go. If we wanted to look for things that weren`t there, we would get stoned like normal people.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.