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iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
“Don’t make me regret this.” -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
I would just like to personal thank all the people in my life that have caused me so many problems, for making me the as$ I am today!
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
Someone asked me if I`m ever scared that I`ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.