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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
How awesome would it be if boobs made maraca sounds when you shook them? LOL
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.
You really are the cat`s pajamas, and by that I mean you`re a stupid idea.
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
When one door closes another one opens. Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work.