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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
The good thing about "poking" on Facebook, no babies are created.
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
I didn`t break the rules. They were broken when I got here.
Does this couch I’m laying on make me look unmotivated?
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
I have a black belt in leather
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.