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Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
I can`t believe it`s been a year since I didn`t become a better person....
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn´t even have to happen at all.
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I`m tired of things costing money
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
once again Tequila is the Delete History button of my brain.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.