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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Feeling tired as you struggle to get through the day? There`s a nap for that.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
Go through a fast food drive thru. When they repeat your order back to you, say "And can I get that to go?" and enjoy the confused silence.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If you recieve something that says,”Send it to all your friends” , then please don`t consider me as your friend.
I wish that life had an option for viewing other available episodes.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.