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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
I didn`t get drunk enough last night, I can still remember working.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Today everything gets answered by the magic eight ball
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.