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Running on two hours of sleep I’m either way too happy or violently homicidal.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Being a vegetarian is hard at first but after a month or so you get used to telling everyone you`re a vegetarian.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
The success of a marriage hinges entirely on the ability to know which of your wife’s clothing is okay to go into the dryer.
The world is full of nice guys who want naughty girls who want bad boys who want nice girls who want nice guys.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.