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It`s amazing what you`ll wear in public when you`re not trying to have sex with anyone.
Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Why is it called stealing when your WIFI is trespassing in my house?
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
If it lasts 4 hours I`m not only callin a Dr, I`m callin everybody!!
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
There is a 3-for-2 sale in my local shoe shop. I almost bought myself a new pair of shoes, but couldn`t decide whether to get an extra left or a right one as part of the offer....
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?