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Smelling another person should be a choice. Just sayin’
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Magic words that make my children disappear: 1) Bath time. 2) Who did this?!?! 3) When I was your age...
I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else...
I just ran a .003048K
The best time to re evaluate your life is when you find your self awake at 3 am reluctantly nodding yes to the questions being asked at the beginning of an infomercial
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling