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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
*Me washing my car* Person: Hey what’s up? Washing your car? Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
I think all priuses are gay transformers living here on earth
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
Some of my best memories are naps.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "Sir" without adding, "You`re making a scene."
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
It should really be called teethpaste.