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Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
In retrospect, replying "Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory", probably wasn`t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
People says nothing is imposible.. But i do nothing everyday!!
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.