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I only drink alcohol because there aren`t enough ways to eat it.
My teen thought it`d be funny to post as me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you´re on.
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.
I`m known all over the world for my exaggerations.
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.