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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I hope Karma smacks some people before I do.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
I can come up with plenty of ways to do nothing.
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
One of my best talents is pretending to like people. Unfortunately, I only show it when no one`s around.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds