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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Behind every beautiful woman, is a beautiful behind.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*