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Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
It`s hard to make your coffee when you haven`t had your coffee.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
"May the 4th" be with you!
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
I really want to see you tonight. So could you please leave the blinds up and the curtains open?
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
"I want to marry a smart, rich, and beautiful woman. But I don`t feel like getting married 3 times." - Hesam Ebrahim
Iwent to Office Max to buy a drawing board, but they were sold out. I guess it`s back to the....oh rats...
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn`t really work otherwise.
Turns out a At Home DNA Test is not a good baby shower gift.
There better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober.