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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Beer doesn’t have that many vitamins in it…that’s why you have to drink a lot.
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Want to watch a nerd have a melt down? Tell him that you just bought an Android Ipad.
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
I wish there was a room where we could go and see all the stuff we have ever lost.
I haven`t owned a watch for I don`t know how long.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things