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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
When I see people drinking at 11 am on a Friday I`m like, where do you work and are they hiring?
That weird feeling when you wake up from a nap & you don`t whether it`s am or pm or what day, month, or year it is.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Here walk a mile in my shoes. They`re giving me huge blisters.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
They used to be called "jumpolines" until you jumped on one...
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Going to a bar where "everybody knows your name" sounds terrifying.
Give a man a fish and he`ll go to McDonald`s instead. Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald`s
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.