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I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My friend works at a rubber dog poop factory. He`ll never get rich, but he makes doo.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
I`ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
It`s pretty amazing how many times my daughter likes to say "it`s not fair!" considering she has never had to pay taxes
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom