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You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
You really understand how drunk you are when you`re peeing...
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
I would never survive a real job because I dont like being told when I can eat lunch...
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
I thought "twerking" was short for "networking". I really embarrassed myself while giving that presentation to the company`s Board of Directors.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Look!!! I am always here for you no matter what,OK? unless there is something good on tv or I`m eating pie