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life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for most of you.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
Being married is like having the freedom to do whatever your wife tells you.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?
What I’m really looking for in a friend is loyalty. And a pool. Mainly just a pool.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.