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Just found a hole in my sock and now I`m worried that the whole drawer might be pregnant.
I’m not shy. I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
I listen to all of of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. He makes NO sense to me.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
Lets just skip the fight and go right to the make-up sex.