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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
I’ve been a sucker for boobies since the day I was born.
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I only have one word for women who look at me like I’m some kind of sex object ... Hi.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.