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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Next time you’re asked “What’s Up” respond “A delightful animated film about a young boy and an old man who fly away to an exotic place in a balloon house.”
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
The guy who used to proofread Hitler`s speeches was the first grammar Nazi.
The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
I`d love to have kids one day. Two days, tops.
Farts are like children. I`m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
popsicle sticks: $1. caramel: $3. onion: $1. watching ur kid bite into a caramel onion thinking its an apple: priceless.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”
At least a stalker is there for you.