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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
Do you know how many poisonous apples I`d have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Sometimes it’s just easier to eat the last slice of pizza than fit the box in the fridge.
If I`m in your house and you have bookshelves... Be prepared to see me turning statues and bending down books while looking for your lair.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Conspiracy theorists are all so dumb that I suspect they`ve been planted by a secret organization to distract us from what`s really going on
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I get very annoyed when people mix up there, they`re and their. From now on I`m going to point it out, weather they like it or not.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
BREAKING NEWS: Baby found in the middle of the Meteorite crash site,,, he is miraculously unharmed... Wrapped in what seems to be a red cape.