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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Scientist say that universe is made up of Electrons, Protons and Neutrons...They forgot to mention MORONS...
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Life`s tough. It`s tougher if you`re stupid...
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
I`m not the cat lady type. I`m more like an actual cat. I want affection when I want it and on my terms. The rest of the time I want to claw out your eyes and piss in your shoe.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
If you`re sad/single/both on valentines day just remember you can buy 40 chicken nuggets at McDonald`s for $8.99
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
When people introduce themselves to me for the first time, I tell them, "Yes, we`ve met before." So they feel awkward trying to remember me
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....