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Birthdays back then: Wow! Look at all these presents!. Birthdays now : Wow damn look at all these notifications!.
If I cover my phone at work with Preparation H, would it filter out the `pains in the butts` from calling?
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find `em.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.