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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
I wish I could feel as happy as an adult, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the TV during class
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I see you`re busy. I`ll come back later and ruin your free time.
What do you mean I didn’t win, I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else.
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?