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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Do not read the next sentence. You little rebel, that`s why I like you.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Messing up a guy’s hair = cute. Messing up a girl’s hair = putting your life on the line.
I said I was good at making decisions. I didn`t say the decisions I made were good.
People who don’t like pizza are people you don’t need in your life.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
I spent yesterday painting some kickass flames on a car. I bet whoever owns it was stoked when they came out of the mall.
I`d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly or a brown bear. But maybe like a care bear. I`d fight one of those sonsabitches for you.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
So... Where does one obtain minions?
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.