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Once again, I`m a distant runner-up for TIME magazine`s `Person Of The Year`. I`m beginning to think it`s rigged...
I’ve been that, done that, had that, lost that, needed that and felt that. Just a few of the many reasons why I always drink to “that”.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I hate lying to kids but my daughter asked me what twerking was and I told her it was when identical twins go to each others` jobs
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed a bottle of food coloring. The doctor says I`m OK, but I feel like I`ve dyed a little inside.
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
GOOGLE must be a woman because it knows everything.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
I had your cake and ate it too.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.