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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name!" said no hungry man ever.
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
“My phone’s about to die.” is what I say 30 seconds into every phone call. Just in case!
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
Dropped my son off for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you`re supposed to pick them up?