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If I like you, I’ll let you hold the TV remote when we watch TV. If I love you, I won’t take the batteries out of it beforehand.
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
Logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
How I sing it: "A, B, C, D, E, F, G,....H, I, J, K, A LEMON OH PEE!....Q, R, S....T, U, V....W, X....Y, and Z."
I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."
You think you have a tough job? I clean the windows on automatic doors.