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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I`ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
I feel like I have not told enough people lately to kiss my mother f*cking a$$.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.