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If you`re going to be a d!ck.. At least be a big one.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
If you think you hate me now, wait till I start answering your rhetorical questions.
Did you know that if you light a candle under the moonlight and you say 3 times the name of the person you love, you will look really stupid doing that!
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
The trouble with children is that they´re not returnable.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
“Nothing is impossible.” I disagree. I’m doing nothing right now… it’s totally possible.