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Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
Settle down joggers at red lights, settle down.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Good things come to those who wait. Better things come if you stop f*cking around and make sh!t happen.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Whenever I tell the cashier to ‘keep the change`, it takes everything in my power not to call them a filthy animal.
Before coffee: Hates everybody. After coffee: Feels good about hating everybody.
Just ran across a great dessert recipe...Cut up some bananas, apples & oranges in a bowl. Add fresh squeezed lime juice. Then toss it in the trash and eat a cheesecake.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.