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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
I`m so fresh they call me "ferbreeze"
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
Starting to think my wife might have a tumor. She`s had a headache for the past 15 years.