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This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Attention fuels immaturity
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
If you respond to coworkers asking how your weekend was with turkey noises, they leave you alone.
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
Its national shave your... Well, tomorrow is valentine`s day. Just an FYI.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.