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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
Sometimes I run toward people & expect them to know that I want them to do the Dirty Dancing lift but they never know and I slam into them.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
I am not as think as you drunk I am
Well h€ll, I was going to post a status about my p€cker, but it was too long.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Man I love watching women`s curling in the Olympics. It`s the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.