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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn`t for throwing at people who stress you out?
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
I`d be the stripper that got fired for eating her way out of the cake instead of jumping out of it.
I`ll never understand women. They hate when you ask their age, but get mad if you forget their birthday.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
50 years ago you had to get really f*cking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"