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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
I know this will probably piss off a bunch of people I know, but what makes someone good at fishing?!? Seriously, all you did was wait longer.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming
Do you realize that Scrooge was essentially water-boarded into changing his outlook on Christmas?
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Today I saw a girl with the word "Anel" on her butt. I was like, woah..it`s supposed to say "Anal"..it`s spelled wrong then I realized it was supposed to say "Angel". The G was stuck in her a$$crack
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!